Harry Potter and the Pilfered Panties
by aixla
Summary: Harry is the main suspect when all of Hogwart's underwear disappears!


**Harry Potter and the Pilfered Panties**

_This was a challenge fic for the EFF community at Snitchseeker . The challenge was to include the following items: Snape looses his bathing shorts, someone other than Snape finds said shorts, Dumbledore hires dementors to gaurd something in his bedroom, Harry falls off his broom, and an EFF member makes an appearance._

_Oh, and apologies for the red Speedo reference. In a former life I was an X-Phile. (Some of you know what I'm talking about!)_

* * *

Severus Snape stormed through the castle halls. In his years at Hogwarts he had been the victim of more than one student prank, but this ... this was the most reprehensible, the most foul. The person or persons responsible for this one would pay. Oh yes. They would pay.

But now was not the time for revenge. At the moment, all he was concerned about was making his was back to his room without being seen. In particular, he was hoping to avoid ...

Harry, Ron, and Hermione rounded the corner so quickly that Snape almost bowled them over. For a moment, everyone froze.

"Um, Professor Snape," Hermione broke the silence uncertainly.

"You're ... you're wet," added Ron.

Harry struggled not to laugh "And wearing a towel."

Snape's face contorted with rage as he pulled the bright pink towel more firmly around his waist. "What astute observations. And I suppose it's just coincidence that the three of you happen to be here to witness this ... debacle?"

"Uh ..." Ron was so flabbergasted by the site of the nearly nude potions master that he didn't seem capable of stringing two words together. Hermione jumped in. "Sir, if you please. We were on our way to the Gryffindor Common Room. It's right around the corner."

"Proximity to the scene of the crime. All the more reason for me to suspect a Gryffindor is responsible," Snape sneered.

Harry was becoming indignant. "Responsible for what?"

"Don't try the innocent orphan act with me, Potter! Come with me. We'll see what the headmaster thinks about this."

Snape reached out to grab Harry by the scruff of his neck, forgetting that his hand was all that was keeping the small towel in place. As the pink fabric fell to the floor, Hermione gave a loud shriek and covered her eyes. Ron fell to the floor in a dead faint. Harry sized Snape up for a moment, then looked him straight in the eye. "Cold water, eh sir?"

* * *

Professor Dumbledore sat behind his desk, quietly taking in the scene unfolding before him. Harry was sitting in a corner, looking like he would rather be in Azkaban than here with this half-naked, raging lunatic. Snape meanwhile, had been ranting for several minutes now, and probably would have continued for several more if Dumbledore had not raised his hand. "Severus," he said quietly, but firmly. "Sit down."

Snape's mouth shut with an audible snap, and he found himself a seat as far away from Harry as possible. After carefully arranging his towel to make sure he was not exposed, he turned his full attention to the headmaster.

"Now Severus, let me see if I understand what happened here," Dumbledore took a deep breath, then continued. "You were in the Professor's bath, which happens to be near the Gryffindor common room." Snape opened his mouth to speak, but Dumbledore silenced him with a wave of his hand. "Now, you wore your swimsuit in case your fellow teachers were present, but as they were not you decided not to ... burden yourself with it while you bathed. When you emerged, it was gone. Am I correct?"

Snape nodded. "Headmaster, I know you have a soft spot when it comes to Potter. But when you consider the fact that he and his cohorts were practically lying in wait for me to come around that corner ..."

"Severus, there is no way Harry could be responsible for all the thefts in the castle."

It took a moment for that statement to sink in. "All the thefts, Professor?" Harry asked.

"Yes, Harry. Professor Snape is not the only one missing ... personal garments. I myself left several pairs of underwear hanging in the bathroom to dry last night. When I awoke, they were gone." Dumbledore sighed. "Unfortunately, the thief took every last pair."

Does that mean that under his robe Dumbledore is ... Harry decided he didn't want to think about that. Luckily, Dumbledore continued. "Several students have also complained of missing undergarments. I believe a sinister force is at work here. The ministry of magic is sending dementors to the castle. They will be posted at every entrance, and at every spot where a theft has occurred."

"Dementors?" Harry shivered. "Do you really think that's necessary?"

Dumbledore nodded gravely. "We cannot allow this to continue! If the thefts do not stop, we will have to close the school. It's just unsanitary! Besides, my bathroom must be kept safe. The secrets of the universe are held inside .. and my toothbrush."

* * *

"Really," Ron muttered. "Why would anyone want to steal someone's underwear? That's just ... weird."

Harry shrugged. "That's just it. No one knows."

"Well there's got to be a reason. We just have to figure out what it is." Hermione frowned. "Perhaps we ..."

"Honestly Hermione, you'd better not suggest we should go to the library. We're not going to find anything about panty eating monsters in a book!" said Ron.

"Actually, Ronald," Hermione said slowly. "I was going to suggest that we put some sort of locking charm on our trunks, so that no one can steal anything."

Ron's cheeks flushed. "Oh, right."

"Anyway," said Harry. "I'd better go change. Quiddich this afternoon."

"That's right! Good luck!" Hermione left the boys at the door to the boy's dormitory.

The two boys discussed Gryffindor's chances of winning the match that day as they climbed the stairs. Harry walked over to his trunk and began to rummage for his uniform.

"Great. I can't find my cup!"

"Your what?" asked Ron around a mouthful of Chocolate Frog.

Harry threw handfuls of clothes over his shoulder as he searched. "My cup! You don't think we ride around out there without some sort of protection, do you?"

"Oh, that kind of cup!"

By this time, the trunk was empty. Harry was on his hands and knees sifting through the heap of clothes on the floor. "Well I can't play without it."

There was a soft knock at the door. "Excuse me, Harry Potter, sir."

"Dobby." The house elf stood at the threshold, looking uncertain as to whether or not he should come inside. After a moment's hesitation, he took a few small steps toward the boys.

"Harry Potter is such a kind wizard, hopefully he will forgive Dobby for his ... error." Dobby hung his head and looked at the floor.

Harry was puzzled. "Error, Dobby what ... do you have something to do with this?"

"Dobby never meant to take any of Harry Potter's things! It's just ... Dobby realized that he did not have the proper underclothes." Dobby hung his head. "And Dobby was too embarrassed to ask how to get them."

"So you decided to swipe them?" Ron asked. "House elf logic."

Harry tried to be patient. "Dobby, you can't just take people's underwear."

"Dobby knows that, sir. And Dobby never meant to keep Harry Potter from playing Quiddich. Here, Dobby will return everything!" Dobby took off the oversized men's shirt that served as a sort of tunic. Underneath was a red Speedo bathing suit.

"Is that Professor Snape's?" Ron gasped.

"Dobby does not know, sir. Dobby found it in a bathroom." Beneath the Speedo was Harry's athletic supporter.

"Between Snape's bathing suit and Dobby's ... well, Dobby, I'm not sure I want this anymore," Harry said, holding the garment at arms length.

Ron was pushing him out the door. "No time for being squeamish! The game's about to start!"

* * *

Harry soared through the air on his Nimbus 2000. All was right with the world again. Everyone had their underwear back, his boys were safe and sound inside their cup, and Gryffindor was ahead by 40 points! Now if he could only find that bloody snitch ...

Just then, a broom pulled up along side his. The girl was dressed in muggle clothing, and she had a laptop computer mounted on her broom!

"Hi Harry!" she said cheerfully. "I'm Biochemchris! Just checking in to make sure Aixla took care of everything she was supposed to. Lets see here." Harry gawked as the girl went to work, typing furiously with her brow furrowed. "Ah yes, looks like there's just one last detail to go."

Harry was so distracted by all this that he didn't see the Slytherin beater send a bludger straight toward him. It struck his head with a sickening thud, knocking him off his broom and sending him hurtling toward the ground.

"Ah yes. That'll do it." Biochemchris made one last note on her keyboard, then swooped down to catch Harry in her arms. After laying him gently on the ground, she took off for home. She had some evil fics to write, and needed to add a certain author to the EFF front page.


End file.
